Introspection: Relationships I

Growing up, I've had difficulty in communicating with people. The subjects of my interest did not seem to be in line with my peer group. The inability to find multiple common grounds created a soft barrier. A discussion based on a single mutual interest lasted for a few hours or kept alive the thoughts for a few days. In the lack of a filler, those relations died down pretty soon.

The young adolescent in me came up with a coping-up mechanism. Keep the conversations short, but intense. Spend not too much time with the same person. Collect the memories and cherish them. I assumed that this should keep the conduit open for emotions to flow both ways while I hide the barrier in plain sight.

The earliest flaw I recognized with the mechanism was that I could not live without conversations. If I kept pushing people away, how do I engage my thoughts, emotions, and time? I quickly embraced social media platforms to be able to stay in touch with friends from years ago. I even made new friends. In essence, I found myself among many instead of a few: no best friends, everyone is a friend.

Over the years, I turned nomadic. I was moving places, meeting new people, engaging and disengaging in conversations. Throughout this, I thought I was empathetic. I felt I would have been there for each of them if they needed me. It took until now to realize that I left them by themselves. Even those moments I was there by their side, it just feels like a coincidence.

The ability to express emotions happens only in a conducive environment. Most people internalize and are unable to find safe spaces to express these thoughts. How could they do it with a person who wasn't there with them? In essence, while the little experimental mechanism shielded and protected me, I lost track of a fundamental emotion in life.

The realization that I wasn't around to be that ear, the shoulder, the vent, or the safe space for people in my life overwhelms me today. I'm taking baby steps at 30. I am trying to be there, starting with those I met in the last couple of years. I am trying to repair the bonds and hope to create safe spaces for people in my life.

Being able to express my own emotions, fears, and struggles, rejuvenated the conduits with a few of my friends. For now, as I evolve, I started with peers and those younger than me. It feels more comfortable to communicate, given my self-barriers, and the imperative that I stand with them and not let them slide away from expressing their emotions. I hope to continue on the path, and probably on one day be able to reforge the same with my parents.

#perspectiveat30 #relationship